With all this Music Director discussion it seems like a good time to post something in a little more humorous direction. Several years ago someone sent me a wish list just in case a policy is ever put in place for monetary penalties during orchestral services, and I’ve updated and revised it a few times over the years. Those of you who work regularly in an orchestra may recognize some of these infractions; hopefully everyone can find something amusing here. It seems to be evolving every year or so, so feel free to email me with any suggestions for future fines…..
| INFRACTION |
FINE |
| IMPERSONATING A PROFESSIONAL | |
| Stupid Questions |
$ 10.00 |
| Really stupid questions |
$ 25.00 |
| Really Stupid Questions Which Increase Rehearsal Time |
$ 300.00 |
| PRESUMPTUOUS FIRST-YEAR BEHAVIOR | |
| Musicological Elucidation |
$ 25.00 |
| Historical Nitpicking |
$ 50.00 |
| Obtrusive Foot Tapping |
$ 10.00 |
| Uninvited Conducting |
$ 15.00 |
| Questioning Concertmaster’s or Principal’s Bowings (strings) |
$ 25.00 |
| Comparing Concertmaster’s or Principal’s bowings with what Philadelphia did under Ormandy |
$ 100.00 |
| TOADYING | |
| Insane Cackling at Conductor’s Jokes |
$ 50.00 |
| Loud and Forced Phony Laugh at Conductor’s Jokes |
$ 20.00 |
| Unwarranted Beatific Smile While Playing |
$ 40.00 |
| Ridiculously Minute Bowing/Breathing Questions |
$ 75.00 |
| Conversing With Conductor in Language Other Than English |
$ 95.00 |
| Active and Public Nodding in Agreement With Conductor |
$ 35.00 |
| Pencil Behind Ear |
$ 25.00 |
| Conspicuous Part Marking |
$ 15.00 |
| Pencil Clattering on Stand After Conspicuous Part Marking |
$ 300.00 |
| Taking Much Longer Than Entire String Section to Finish Minor Bowing Change |
$ 100.00 |
| Obvious, Insipid Consultation of Conductor’s Score During Break |
$ 150.00 |
| Reference to Obscure Recordings/Performances |
$ 90.00 |
| Pretending to Understand Absurd Metaphor During Rehearsal |
$ 15.00 |
| Actually Understanding Absurd Metaphor |
$ 25.00 |
| Informing Conductor That They Have More Rehearsal Time Than They Think |
$ 750.00 |
| ANNOYING BEHAVIOR BY VETERANS | |
| Playing High Notes Louder Than Possible (Brass) |
$ 25.00 |
| Holding Same 1/4 Beat Longer Than Everyone Else |
$ 200.00 |
| Discussing Technique During Rehearsal |
$ 100.00 |
| Discussing Technique During Break |
$ 200.00 |
| Discussing Technique With Guest Artist (at any time) |
$ 500.00 |
| Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes |
$ 30.00 |
| Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes About Famous Musician (Second-Hand) |
$ 60.00 |
| Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes About Famous Musician (First-Hand) |
$ 90.00 |
| Feigning European Birth by “lapsing” into Foreign Languages |
$ 150.00 |
| GENERAL OBNOXIOUS BEHAVIOR | |
| Inviting Conductor to Party |
$ 15.00 |
| Inviting Soloist to Party |
$ 100.00 |
| Showing Pictures of Soloist at Party During First Service Following Party |
$ 200.00 |
| Warming Up Onstage More Than 30 Minutes Before Service |
$ 50.00 |
| Warming Up Onstage So Loudly No One Else Can |
$ 100.00 |
| Warming Up Backstage So Loudly No One Else Can |
$ 250.00 |
| Warming Up Loudly With Solo Part of Concerto To Be Performed by Guest Artist |
$ 400.00 |
| Continuing to Tune Loudly After Everyone Else Finishes |
$ 10.00 |
| Unnecessarily Obvious Insertion of Earplugs |
$ 15.00 |
| Habitual Use of Earplugs Regardless of Repertoire (e.g. Pachelbel Canon) |
$ 65.00 |
| Conversing With Management (non-hostile) |
$ 25.00 |
| Forwarding “Funny” Email to Other Musicians |
$ 200.00 |
So, what would the fine be for printing several copies and handing them out to infractors at my next rehearsal?
I bet it would be worth it!
I would simply have to disagree with the pencil-behind-the-ear fine… that technique avoids the higher penalty of the pencil clanking on the music stand.