Now that we’re all back into the season full swing, I thought it would be fun to revisit a popular post from a couple of years ago. Different versions of this list have circulated for years, so again I encourage you to post comments with any suggestions for additional fines/infractions. Also, it seemed appropriate to add a special management section, just as a sign of the times. Please note all management fines are per incident, but variable depending on current executive compensation.
2011 Bonus Section:
Management Fines
Creative accounting
$500.00
Using the phrases “community engagement” or “new model” more than 75 times in one day
$200.00
Plagiarizing Henry Fogel (verbal)
$50.00
Inability to identify Henry Fogel
$300.00
Referring to ASOL (League) data from 1995 or before
$250.00
Misinformed pension fund commentary (unintentional)
$150.00
Comical press gaffes
$25.00
Any reference to a “20 hour workweek”
$3,000.00
Using the words “Detroit”, “Philadelphia” and “new model” in the same sentence
$2,000.00
General overuse of jargon or catchphrases (including above)
$200.00
Covert multi-year contract renewal
$2000.00
Awkward fundraising speech before every subscription concert
$400.00
Visible ponytail (male)
$500.00
Habitual use of mystifying graphs and/or pie charts
$300.00
Loss of more than 10 titled players in one season
$1,000.00
Loss of more than 25 staff in one season
$500.00
Premature bankruptcy declaration
TBD
Musician Fines
Impersonating a Professional
Stupid questions
$10.00
Really stupid questions
$20.00
Presumptuous First Year Behavior
Musicological Elucidation
$25.00
Historical Nitpicking
$50.00
Obtrusive Foot Tapping
$10.00
Uninvited Conducting
$15.00
Questioning Concertmaster’s or Principal’s Bowings (strings)
$25.00
Comparing Concertmaster’s or Principal’s bowings with what Philadelphia did under Ormandy
$100.00
Toadying
Insane Cackling at Conductor’s Jokes
$50.00
Loud and Forced Phony Laugh at Conductor’s Jokes
$20.00
Unwarranted Beatific Smile While Playing
$40.00
Ridiculously Minute Bowing/Breathing Questions
$75.00
Conversing With Conductor in Language Other Than English
$95.00
Active and Public Nodding in Agreement With Conductor
$35.00
Pencil Behind Ear
$25.00
Conspicuous Part Marking
$15.00
Pencil Clattering on Stand After Conspicuous Part Marking
$300.00
Taking Much Longer Than Entire String Section to Finish Minor Bowing Change
$100.00
Obvious, Insipid Consultation of Conductor’s Score During Break
$150.00
Reference to Obscure Recordings/Performances
$90.00
Pretending to Understand Absurd Metaphor During Rehearsal
$15.00
Actually Understanding Absurd Metaphor
$25.00
Informing Conductor That They Have More Rehearsal Time Than They Think
$2000.00
Annoying Behavior By Veterans
Playing High Notes Louder Than Possible (Brass)
$25.00
Holding Same 1/4 Beat Longer Than Everyone Else
$200.00
Discussing Technique During Rehearsal
$100.00
Discussing Technique During Break
$200.00
Discussing Technique With Guest Artist (at any time)
$500.00
Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes
$30.00
Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes About Famous Musician (Second-Hand)
$60.00
Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes About Famous Musician (First-Hand)
$90.00
Feigning European Birth by “lapsing” into Foreign Languages
$150.00
General Obnoxious Behavior
Inviting Conductor to Party
$15.00
Inviting Soloist to Party
$100.00
Showing Pictures of Soloist at Party During First Service Following Party
$200.00
Warming Up Onstage More Than 30 Minutes Before Service
$50.00
Warming Up Onstage So Loudly No One Else Can
$100.00
Warming Up Backstage So Loudly No One Else Can
$250.00
Warming Up Loudly With Solo Part of Concerto To Be Performed by Guest Artist
$400.00
Continuing to Tune Loudly After Everyone Else Finishes
$10.00
Unnecessarily Obvious Insertion of Earplugs
$15.00
Habitual Use of Earplugs Regardless of Repertoire (e.g. Pachelbel Canon)
$65.00
Conversing With Management (non-hostile)
$25.00
Forwarding “Funny” Email to Other Musicians
$200.00
What if soloist really wants to go to the party?
OK–you left out the category:
GUEST SOLOIST FINES INCURRED BY ORCHESTRA
1: not following the soloist tempi: $500.00
2: not letting soloist play cadenza in dress rehearsal: $1.00 per note
3: no water in the soloist dressing room: $3.50 (cost for case of water at Costco, BJs, whatever)
4: not tuning orchestra to the piano for piano concerto: $100.00 (cost of tuning piano equivalent)
5: not picking up artist at airport or train, taxi station, bus depot, hitch-hiker stop: $75.00
6: refusing to shake hand with soloist before and after: rotate concertmaster seat for gig
7: whispering about soloist for any reason during rehearsals: heavy duty tape over mouth, or $25.00
8: whispering about soloist for any reason during concerts: microphone secretly placed under your shirt or dress while you are sleeping + $50.00
9: playing too loudly when soloist has the melody: $50.00 plus mute for your instrument at your own expense
10: misuse of vibrato during soloist’s concerto depending on the style: $35.00 + rehab consisting of three private lessons by teacher of management choice.
Thanks, Jeffrey.
I’ll let this one speak for itself. But the tape seems a little extreme.
Practicing Don Juan when it’s not on the program must be an infraction. $50?
Love the management fines.
Mispronouncing musician’s name at his/her retirement.–$25
Mispronouncing musician’s name when announcing his/her death.–$100.
Programming any piece more than 20 times in a given season, or 50 times in a 5-year period.–$150.
Oh man…”Ponytail (male)” made me laugh out loud! Some of these made me cringe because I’ve been guilty of them..
Caring what Henry Fogel thinks in the first place: $500
Proposed $50 fine for both musicians and management who misuse the term “structural deficit”. Structural deficits only result from the inability to levy taxes. An orchestra’s deficit is really just a plain old deficit, but a union’s deficit could well be structural, if its expenses exceed its income from work dues, and it can’t raise work dues in time to cover the deficit.
Well, maybe. I think that term gets defined in all sorts of ways, depending on who’s talking. In any case, $50 seems a little low…
Where are the conductor fines? Too many to list, maybe.
Yes, perhaps for another (lengthy) post.
Filling up every inch of white space in a Mahler 5 part with fingerings: $80 plus bulk purchase of erasers
Adding soloist/conductor/management as a friend on Facebook: $125 per friend.